Fereshteh Kolani, a psychologist, in her recent discussions has addressed one of the important questions in human relationships: why do many people find it easier to express their problems and feelings to strangers than to family members? She emphasizes the need to create a safe space for expressing emotions, pointing out the harms caused by blame and judgment in family relationships.
The Role of Blame and Humiliation in Family Relationships
Kolani states that constant blame or humiliation is like pouring acid drop by drop on the roots of relationships, ultimately leading to their destruction. She explains that when a person feels that every word they say is met with judgments like 'You always mess things up,' they resort to a defensive mechanism called 'protective silence.' In this situation, the individual prefers to remain silent rather than confront their suppressed emotions.
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For example, a woman who says after a hard day at work, 'I had a tough day today,' if faced with a judgment like 'You shouldn't have gone to work,' experiences feelings of blame and humiliation. Kolani suggests that families should observe a 'silence rule' when expressing problems; meaning that during these times, instead of judgment and blame, they should just listen and empathize.
The Impact of Labeling on Family Relationships
This psychologist continues that labels like 'laziness' or 'messiness' can have a profound negative impact on family relationships. People are usually in a state of growth and change, but family members often hold an outdated image of them and do not update it. This issue can lead an individual to feel inadequate and diminish their motivation for change.
Kolani also points out the dangers of mind-reading and the expectation of being understood non-verbally. She says that this expectation can seriously harm family intimacy and create negative feelings. Individuals need to learn to express their needs explicitly and respectfully, and instead of giving advice and judgment, they should use empathy.
In conclusion, Kolani emphasizes that trustworthy spaces within the family are very important. Sharing secrets and feelings with strangers is easier for many because there is no judgment or negative consequences involved. She advises families to create a safe and non-judgmental environment, allowing each other to express their feelings and problems without fear of labeling and blame.
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